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RedLeslie

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Everything posted by RedLeslie

  1. I adore them. A dab of tomato sauce, a sprinkle of Italian seasoning and a bit of fat free mozzarella. Yumm!
  2. I had the same problem a few days ago. I gave up. I've also noticed that when I use the 'New Posts' button, I now get only 50 posts instead of the usual 75. I don't have any answers; maybe a moderator or power user can enlighten us. If given a choice, I want my search max to go back to 75.
  3. Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.
  4. A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the w waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a sa lad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of m oney would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or somethin g , but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
  5. One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, as only a mother would know... 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
  6. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker . Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Lik e Napping. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. Abba--- Denture Queen. Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. And Last but NOT least Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again
  7. Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car andopened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire", I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......... "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
  8. The convenience store cappuccino is made with water. I would think the points value would be similar to those for International Coffees.
  9. I love mine. It's neater and easier than the sealing machines. It takes up less room too. I love being able to open a bag then reseal; no more having to guess just how many portions to put in each bag. I have found that occassionally a bag doesn't hold the vacuum seal but it hasn't caused any problems. I just switch out the bags.
  10. OMG!!!! I made this last night and it was so awesome!! Thanks for posting this. BTW, I forgot to put in the vinegar so don't worry if you substitute or just have a senior moment like me.
  11. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
  12. Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer:One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to findthe stupidlight bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP ORCARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?
  13. http://users.telenet.be/leukelinks/flash/queen.htm Speakers on. You won't be disappointed. Nuf said!
  14. Very good! Probably based on a true story...
  15. RedLeslie

    Worry

    Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind , a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage, and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?' Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
  16. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.' ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
  17. > NEW WORDS FOR 2008 > > Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! > > > 1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. > > 2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. > > 3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. > > 4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. > > 5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. > > 6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. > > 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. > > 8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. > > 9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. > > 10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. > > 11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's > workplace. > > 12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. > > 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. > > 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. > > 15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located. > > 16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and > subdivisions. > > 17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). > > 18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. > > 19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
  18. The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$ 90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
  19. RedLeslie

    The Dog

    An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep.Can I come with him tomorrow?
  20. MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT! Maxine on 'Driver Safety': 'I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.' Maxine on 'Housework': 'I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.' Maxine on 'Lawn Care': 'The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.' Maxine on 'The Perfect Man': 'All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.' Maxine on 'Technology Revolution': 'My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.' Maxine on 'Aging': 'Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.'
  21. Medicare in a Nutshell The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
  22. Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss. (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!) If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall...... And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang. When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
  23. Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. I f you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done .....Your turn ...
  24. I think it's hideous. Reminds me of the 60's and not in a good way....
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