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Everything posted by RedLeslie

  1. In case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. @ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office @ WORK you get three meals a day fully paid for @ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ WORK you get a break for one meal andyou have to pay for it @ PRISON you get time off for good behavior @ WORK you get more work for good behavior @ PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself @ PRISON you can watch TV and play games @ WORK you could get fired for watchingTV and playing games @ PRISON you get your own toilet @ WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat @ PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit @ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family @ PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required @ WORK you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners @ PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out @ WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars @ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens @ WORK they are called managers THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!! Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails
  2. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's licence. At age 35 success is . . . Having money. At age 50 success is . . . Having money. At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's licence. At age 75 success is . . . Having friends. At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
  3. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . . Wait for it. . It's coming. . The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
  4. A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male'
  5. >Where do pets come from? >A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to > 'Where do pets come from?' > >Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us >every day. Now we do not see you any more We are lonesome here, and it is >difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' > >And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and >who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even >when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you >may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as >I do, in spite of yourselves.' > >And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. >And it was a good animal. >And God was pleased. > >And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. > >And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom >and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' > >And God said, ' I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my >love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call >him DOG.' > >And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them >And they were comforted. >And God was pleased. >And Dog was content and wagged his tail. > >After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, >'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen >like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed >taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well' > >And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and >who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their >limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' > >And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. > > >And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. > >And Adam and Eve learned humility. > >And they were greatly improved. > >And God was pleased . >And Dog was happy. > >And Cat didn't give a sh!t one way or the other.
  6. A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... The Alphabet 2007 A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I' d rather it be low, I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low, O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow, V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X- ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
  7. You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
  8. Man's best friend has his limits...
  9. 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die? 1st woman : I Froze to Death. 2nd woman : How Horrible! 1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
  10. IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since. ____________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ________________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
  11. I lost a whole serving of my water too but it wasn't on my keyboard.... Thank heavens these computer chairs are soooo absorbant! Thanks for the guffaw, Heidi!
  12. Make friends with the manager of the bread section of Walmart and/or find out when (day and time) the Mission Tortilla vendor delivers his product. Plan YOUR visit accordingly!
  13. A woman went to a pet shop & immediately Spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.' The woman thought about this, but decided She had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up In her living room and waited for it to say something.. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.' The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, But then thought 'that's really not so bad.' When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school The bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended But then began to laugh about the situation Considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith Came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!'
  14. A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation -What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service.
  15. WD-40 Well, Who Knew...? I had a neighbour who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed. Here are some of the uses: 1) Protects silver from tarnishing. 2) Removes road tar and grime from cars. 3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings. 4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery. 5) Keeps flies off cows. 6) Restores and cleans chalkboards. 7) Removes lipstick stains. 8) Loosens stubborn zippers. 9) Untangles jewellery chains. 10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks. 11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill. 12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing. 13) Removes tomato stains from clothing. 14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots. 15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. 16) Keeps scissors working smoothly. 17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes 18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. 19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40! 20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide. 21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers. 22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises. 23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open. 24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close. 25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers. 26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles. 27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans. 28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling. 29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly. 30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools. 31) Removes splattered grease on stove. 32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging. 33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs. 34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell). 35) Removes all traces of duct tape. 36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain. 37) Florida's favourite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.' 38) The favourite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. 39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states. 40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch. 41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag. 42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone! 43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
  16. Good news! I checked their website: Do The Laughing Cow® Wedges need to be refrigerated? For the best taste and texture, it is best to store wedges in the refrigerator. However, they can be safely stored in cool, dry conditions for a limited length of time, and are great for adding to lunch boxes or taking to work for a quick snack.
  17. Yeah, I thought 2 sounded kind of low... Wow- if you can't trust everything you get in your email box, then what can you trust??!!??
  18. I was assured by a friend in Utah that this 'for sale' advertisement actually was posted in the paper...
  19. I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine chocolate Margarita chocolate Martini Cold Beer chocolate Chicken fried steak cream gravy chocolate Mexican food chocolate French fries chocolate Pizza chocolate ice cream cup of tea chocolate Chocolate Sex Chocolate It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing'. . and call it a day!
  20. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand ... And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". ? (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
  21. An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
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