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RedLeslie

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Everything posted by RedLeslie

  1. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school". KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
  2. What is Butt Dust? What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adults in this!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." [font=Times New Roman, Times]BRITTANY[/font] (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked [font=Times New Roman, Times]what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with [/font]this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
  3. New Sex Study... It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
  4. This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Look down, not scroll down, dummy!
  5. It's funny- I detested hamburgers made with soy. I just couldn't eat them because they tasted wierd. The Bocas and Morningstar Farms are much much better than that IMO.
  6. Yup- that's the stuff I like. I lean more towards the less traditionally healthy stuff (all those perservatives to help perserve my uncommon good looks !). I like their sourdough. And their hamburger buns. And their hot dog buns.
  7. I vote for the "cheap" bread. More pow for the points.
  8. Well, using this stuff will never compare with chomping down on a sirloin steak or a big juicy hamburger but then, didn't that kind of thing get us where we are today? I like the taste. It's kind of like switching from whole milk to the reduced fat/ fat free milk: you notice a difference till you've totally transitioned. I also like the convenience of taking a bag or box out of the freezer and dumping it in a recipe rather than cooking up hamburg and draining it (and it saves cleaning another pan most times. A big plus in my book!) I also like the 'hamburger' style boca/morningstar burgers. I fix them up like a hamburger and enjoy them. I love having a burger or two without blowing my daily points allowance! Get experimenting! Try something new! The old ways we all have/had weren't all that good to us. What's the worst that can happen? BTW, the internet has lots and lots of interesting websites for getting nutrition information. Some are mentioned in the stickies of the Newbie section. Definitely, worth browsing through.
  9. Laugh out loud Good! Thanks! I really enjoyed listening to myself guffaw and giggle!
  10. Pretty good guess, Tammy! I get 16 points for 16 ounces. I found the nutrition information for 93% lean ground beef at http://www.thedailyplate.com/nutrition-calories/food/9325-9/9325-lean-ground-beef. I found it by doing an internet search using the phrase: ground beef 93% lean nutrition information. Usually, Calorieking.com has it but not this time. I would suggest using this forum for this kind of question since the Entrees forums are more for the actual recipes. BTW, the Stove Top Meatloaf is great (also it's twin, Meatloaf Muffins- same thing only made in a muffin pan- cooks faster and has built in portion control!). Another meat substitution you might consider is Morningstar Farms Grillers Recipe Crumbles or the Boca Burger version of this. I use this instead of ground beef all the time. A lot more points friendly than hamburg.
  11. 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and $#!thead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. 15. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 16. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 17. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 18. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  12. Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!" (You're gonna love this....) She said, "I'm going home,too. I can't work in the dark.
  13. Measure the sauce before and after eating. Calculate points the the 'missing' amount. Enjoy!
  14. I got mine a few days ago with no problems, sort of. I was a bit perturbed a day after I placed the order: when I checked my bank statement online, there was the $15ish charge AND another for $1.00. I emailed customer service about this and got a reply (a few days later) saying the $1.00 charge was a test kind of thing and that it had been backed out (which they did according to my online bank statement). I love the DVDs and impressed my DSIL with my 'financial savvy' who thought I had paid a ton of money for them.
  15. RedLeslie

    Fishing

    > Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation > took place: > > First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come > out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint > every room in the house next weekend." > > Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I > would build her a new deck for the pool." > > Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my > wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." > > They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy > has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about > what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's > the deal?" > > Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, > I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: "Fishing > or sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."
  16. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk in his voice, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
  17. I find the soft wedges so-so but I adore the mini Babybel Lite Original, which is a small round chunk of (not soft) cheese wrapped in a red waxy substance. Don't let that description put you off, they are great. One satisfies the cheese craving (usually) and only 1 point each. That's saying something if you know that, back in the day, I would make a pot of homemade macaroni and cheese and eat most of it within 24 hours
  18. > A married couple was in a terrible accident where the > man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they > couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. > > So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. > However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable > would have to come from her buttocks. > > The husband and w ife agreed that they would tell no one > about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also > honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. > > After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded > at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! > All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful > beauty! > > One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome > with emotion at her sacrifice . He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you > for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' > > 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need > every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
  19. >> > The new Supermarket near our house >> > has an automatic water mister >> > to keep the produce fresh. >> > Just before it goes on, you hear the >> > sound of distant thunder and the >> > smell of fresh rain. >> > >> > When you approach the milk cases, >> > you hear cows mooing >> > and experience the scent >> > of fresh hay. >> > >> > When you approach the egg case, >> > you hear hens cluck and cackle and >> > the air is filled with the pleasing aroma >> > of bacon and eggs frying. >> > >> > The veggie department features the >> > smell of fresh buttered corn. >> > >> > I don't buy toilet paper there any more. >> >
  20. If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.' Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
  21. RedLeslie

    Ear Hair

    > My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she > took it to the veterinarian. > > He found that the problem was hair in its ears > > He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. > > The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted > to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get > some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. > > The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair > remover. > > The druggist tells her, "If you're going > to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few > days." > > The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." > > The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't > shave for a couple of days." > > The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you > must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." > > > > > The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week.
  22. 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the weather channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and 'Break up'. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up' 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not ******* and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good ****." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate them instead of asking:"Oh ****, what the hell happened?" Bonus 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and fail. So you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too.
  23. I can't take credit for this. I just have a lot of good friends with a sick and twisted sense of humor.
  24. Your wish is my command! I found two kinds of 100 calorie Little Debbie snacks at my HEB grocery store: Snow Puffs (fudge cookie with marshmallow and coconut) and Marshamallow Treats (think rice krispie bar). Both are 2 points each. I thought the Snow Puff kind of on the small size but it was tasty and hit the spot. The Marshmallow treat was fair to good- not as crunchy as I would have liked.
  25. When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventua lly, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing ndersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made m e look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there, too ... I'l l be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
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