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Everything posted by RedLeslie

  1. A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
  2. Oh, yeah. That would do it. I even felt the urge for a little nip while reading this.
  3. Two rednecks are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
  4. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk Employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect Organization for "Termination without cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: Employee --"Rich Hall computer assistance; May I help you?" Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Employee --"What sort of trouble?" Customer--" Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Employee --"Went away?" Customer--" They disappeared." Employee --"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Customer--" Nothing." Employee --"Nothing?" Customer--" It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type." Employee --"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Customer--" How do I tell?" Employee --"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?" Customer--" What is a sea prompt?" Employee--"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Customer--" There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Employee --"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Customer--" What's a monitor?" Employee --"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Customer--" I don't know." Employee --"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the Power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Customer--" Yes, I think so." Employee --"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Customer--" Yes, it is." Employee --"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Customer--" No." Employee --"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Customer--" Okay, here it is." Employee --"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Customer--" I can't reach." Employee --"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Customer--" No." Employee --"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" C u stomer--" Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark." Employee --"Dark?" Customer--" Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Employee --"Well, turn on the office light then." Customer--" I can't." Employee --"No? Why not?" Customer--" Because there's a power failure." Employee --"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Customer--" Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Employee --"Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Customer-- " Really? Is it that bad?" Employee --"Yes, I'm afraid it is." Customer--" Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Employee --"Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer."
  5. A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." The Pastor said "SEX." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
  6. Subject: High School COOL Test > > > > This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what > > crowd you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate. > > You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've > > changed. > > SEE IF YOU ARE STILL A COOL PERSON: > > http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
  7. Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" "How in the world did you guess?!?!". The ornery old grandmas snickered and laughted. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!"
  8. 1975 : Long hair 2005: Longing for hair 1975 : KEG 2005 : EKG 1975: Acid rock 2005 : Acid reflux 1975 : Moving to California because it's cool 2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Seeds and stems 2005: Roughage 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2005: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2005: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2005: Kidney Stones 1975: Being called into the principal's office 2005: Calling the principal's office 1975: Screw the system 2005: Upgrade the system 1975: Disco 2005: Costco 1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975: Passing the drivers' test 2005: Passing the vision test 1975: Whatever 2005: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off? The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering! machine . They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
  9. > For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007. > > 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace > > 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker > > 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. > > 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. > > 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become FedUP. > 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. > > 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. > > 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally . . . > > 9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:TittyTitty Bang Bang.
  10. Loved it! And thank GOD for menopause!
  11. 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. 7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
  12. A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed: "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' Speech. "At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."
  13. RedLeslie

    20 Puns

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  14. >>The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one >>wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it >>wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they >>voted to take turns. >> >>The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning >>with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. >> >>They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so >>loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." >> >>The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same >>thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, >>what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl >>shakes the roof. I watched him all night." >> >>The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football >>player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed >>and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! >>They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for >>bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He >>sat up and watched me all night long."
  15. I have never heard of doing this but my first thought was that it sounded reasonable since vinegar has certain disinfectant properties. Then I got curious and did an internet search. I found the Vinegar Institute with lots of uses and tips: http://www.versatilevinegar.org/usesandtips.html#1c. This list included: "Freshen up slightly wilted vegetables by soaking them in cold water and vinegar."
  16. I understand if you don't want to go out for a walk- it's COLD (not cold like the rest of the country but pretty darn cold for our parts of Texas). As for the playpen, it might not be popular with the current generation of moms but I would never have stayed sane (don't go there!) if I didn't have one when my kids were young, 20 or so years ago. If you decide to try one, get one from a second hand shop so you won't invest a lot in something you may or may not use much.
  17. The link worked ok yesterday and I just tried it again- it started buffering within a few seconds. Try it now. Be warned- if you have a low internet speed connection (like me *sigh*) it may take a bit to load completely. BTW, that kid is DUMB!
  18. If goals were meant to be easy to obtain, then what's the value in obtaining them? We all have set backs and we learn from them. Then we pick up the pieces and go on. You've beaten yourself enough for now. Happy birthday. Enjoy it and the knowledge that you have lost weight (to date)and will do so again soon.
  19. Nan-see, I agree with you on this. I've always been under the impression that bananas bind you up. When my kids were young and had diarrhea, I always gave them the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. I'm fairly sure I got this out of the Dr. Spock book from 20+ years ago so maybe they have re-thought this whole thing. Now, here's my 2¢ worth: IMO all the other good foods we eat counteract any constipating effect bananas may have. So enjoy!
  20. I loved this! I smiled; I smirked; I giggled and guffawed. But #100 had me rolling on the floor. No cheating. It's worth reading all the way through. BTW, Ottermum, can I be your best friend?
  21. 5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen." 4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time Management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time." 2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your Desk... 1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
  22. I've done WW meetings in the past and lost weight. Then stopped and gained it back. I've tried doing the plan on my own and didn't get very far. This time I'm back with the primary motivator of improving my health and I'm using BCB instead of meetings (the nearest meeting is 20-30 miles away and my car is not up to it). I know I could do online but I don't think there's all that much I'm missing. I feel all you folks will help keep me from straying and make the journey easier (so far so good!).
  23. It's a struggle- I know-- I work at a convenience store where there is nothing but junk to eat. We even have Krispy Kreme donuts and they call my name a lot!
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