Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.. mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And
you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register
is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the
mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running
the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in
your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and
it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You
hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind
her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal Mart instead and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.